Romans 8:15 “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."
Hi friends,
In this post I’d like to tell you about how God freed me from a Spirit of Fear. The Bible tells us in 2 Tim 1:7 “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and a sound mind.”
I remember how I dressed up as Red Riding Hood for a Fancy Dress Competition during my Kindergarten days. True, I never won the best performance which went to chirpy& pretty “Betty Bo Peep” nor the cutest performance which went to the adorable sleepy-head “Deedle Deedle Dumpling My son John” but the trophy for most confident child on the stage that night was mine to keep! How in the world could this confident me turn into a person cowering in fear in the shadows, avoiding the lime-light at any cost? Well that’s what life sometimes does to the best of us!In spite of having a happy childhood and excellence in both curricular and co curricular activities, I really don’t remember how and when the Spirit of Fear crept in me. It all started with a fear of failure. I slowly watched opportunities for excellence slip between my fingers. This was only the beginning and strangely even not winning was relief to me rather than trying and losing! Slowly it became fear of being rejected by people. Due to some thoughtless comments by persons who didn’t even know me well, I realized how people may dislike you simply on the basis of what they hear or think even without giving you a chance to explain. That made me anxious and dreadful of all social situations. I felt as if everyone in the crowd belonged except me. Often I tried to get out of situations by flat out refusing to go but later on would try and go but the experience would be so wearisome and exhausting that it would take me almost a week to pick myself up emotionally. On the outside, all seemed well, inside I was crying.
All this while I prayed and tried to be brave. I tried to read all I could on how to face my fears. I knew what to do but when I was faced with the situation, it was as if my mind suddenly froze, memory became blank, mouth became dry and body became paralyzed. I don’t know any way to describe this better than I was “gripped by the spirit of fear”. There was absolutely nothing in my power I could do to entangle myself from it in spite of knowing exactly what I had to do and how to do it and that is what being paralyzed is all about, isn’t it?
With every passing day, I began to dread company, especially of those who I knew would not be sensitive/ kind but thoughtless & critical. I admit, at that time, it was so difficult for anyone to be around me and not offend me. I actually felt nobody could understand me and that they would unknowingly hurt me so I had to protect myself. I began avoiding people and situations as I wanted to solve my problem first and then face people as the confident person I knew I was deep down inside. Though it made me feel less threatened as my outer life was now predictable, I knew how out of control my inner life actually was. Lists would dominate my day and though I made considerable progress I still knew in my heart that the real problem was not being dealt with. It was as if I was running away from my life. There were moments especially after prayer and when I acted without over thinking that I would be happy and fine but at other times I got caught up in the paralysis of analysis ;dwelling on what I did wrong /how I appeared to people and how I should prevent turning people off, etc became my preoccupation. I realized that I also began having difficulty remembering things and slowly my health also started getting affected. Now I realize that worry & negativity had actually affected my immune system which made me have varied health problems one after the other. The fact that my support system was minimal due to my spouse’s demanding job and my being far away from the people who knew me and I could trust only made things worse. Opening up to a few Christians at church didn't help as they made me feel all the more condemned for not being “spiritual enough”. I knew I was doing everything I knew to but was still unsuccessful. Finally I began to isolate myself, extremely lonely but at the same time felt safe. I started spending time with the Lord and soaking myself in His presence and declaring His word over my life. The more time spent with Him the more I got to know His unconditional love & acceptance for me. I had finally found my safe place and could totally resonate with the psalmist in Psalms 46:1 “The Lord is my refuge and strength, a safe hiding place in times of trouble.”It is during this time that I started blogging and sharing all that God was teaching me. Each day became an adventure as the Holy Spirit revealed more of me that needed to be healed, cleansed, sanctified, etc. I also learnt by now how to hear, receive and obey the Lord. The blessings became more evident in my life. I no longer ran after human comfort or understanding for I finally felt understood in Jesus. Slowly I began to declare “For God has not given me a Spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and a sound mind” and take mini steps in obedience to Him. Some days were easy, some days were hard but with time, I learned how to ‘do things afraid’. However, many times negative responses of people (who didn’t know my inner struggles) discouraged me. Metamorphically speaking, it was as if I was being chased by an imaginary bear and so often in my dealings with others my words/actions may have appeared hasty/ curt, but for a person barely trying to survive at that time , even that effort was far beyond human capacity. Many of my old friends could not understand me now because of my extreme passion for the Lord and avoided me , some I chose to leave believing God for Godly friends & Divine Connections, which I am glad to say He has abundantly blessed me with today.
We also continually prayed for a home closer to church as that would enable us to spend more time in His presence (the only place I could relax.) It was as if I was in a constant invisible battle with invisible enemies. Those who saw me frustrated/angry would naturally think of me as cranky/touchy as they would never know what I was actually going through. However, my battle was real and my life situations were not making it any easier for me. I was never afraid to die , for me living was what terrified me.
All this while I continued doing my duties faithfully believing that God could and would one day totally heal me. In the process however, Jesus went more from being my Creator & Savior to my Protector, Healer, Comforter, Teacher, Friend, my All in All. I began to long for quiet moments with the Lord as I now loved Him more for His heart than His hand. I could now pray, Lord I praise you for whatever it is that I am going through. Even though I don’t understand it fully, it has brought me closer to you & made me know you in a way that I would otherwise never have. I am in the best place I could be. Even if you never heal me fully, I will still love you for who you are. I had learnt to rest in Him even in the midst of the storm.
God showed me how I needed to now slowly get ready to move out from my comfort zone and reach out to help others. Honestly, looking around I could see possibilities all around me. God gave me fresh eyes through which I could see as He saw: the good in every one and everything. He had changed me so much in this time that I began to see, act and think with some of His love and kindness. However, when I started sharing with the world the pearls that He graciously gave me, I was faced with a new problem the Spirit of Rejection. Jesus taught me how to respond to this, by not taking offense but by loving with His forgiving love. Next he taught me that being meek did not mean being a doormat. Many could see the new holy boldness in me and began accusing me of being controlling and not submissive. That again put me in confusion as I wanted to be a Godly woman of peace. Actually I was now troubled by a Spirit of Intimidation. I realized that even without doing anything wrong, I was being falsely accused. I realized the craftiness of the Deceiver and the folly of trying to please anyone but God.
Above all, when we are filled with the love of God, fear will definitely leave us. After all, the best antidote to fear is Faith. 1 John 4:18 : “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear is by suspicion, but he who fears is not grown up in love.”
I love this song by Bob Fitts. The song starts with these amazing words : “ Say to those who are fearful-hearted, do not be afraid. The Lord your God is strong and with His mighty arm, when you call on His name, He will come and save you……”
Have a blessed week,
Take care, God bless you,
Sparkylaurie
